Ugh. I am so miserable and pregnant. The bottom line is, I'm too young to be doing this. I'm not leading the life of a normal 21 year old. I should be out with friends, going to school, working crazy hours, saving money for myself, and my future, but instead I'm playing housewife to a man who doesn't even care about me. So many young girls dream to be in my position, or atleast it seems, since so many young girls are having babies these days, but at this point in time, I would trade lives with almost any other 21 year old who wasn't about to have a child. Maybe I feel like this, because of the lack of love I receive, but I don't know. I'm sure people out there think I'm being selfish, but I just think of it as I haven't finished being a kid yet. I'm a child, attempting to raise a child, and although I know I am more than capable of being able to raise a child properly, I wish I waited. I just hope I can change the mind of atleast one young girl trying to have a baby, to wait until she is older, so she can avoid the pain I'm feeling...
Love; one of the most important things that need to be in place when a child is being brought into this world. Mikey; the man who I am having a child with, does not love me, and I do not love him, in fact, I can't even think about anything that I LIKE about him; and that is sad. At one point, I really liked him, but after being forced to live with him, and deal with him and his bullshit day in and day out... I'm starting to hate him more and more everyday. We fight over everything. I'm not happy living here. I sacrificed everything for this man; my body, my friends, my family, any fun I was having, EVERYTHING; and I do not get anything in return. He goes out with friends, gets high, drunk, does drugs, and doesn't work; while I sit at his house, and clean up all the messes he leaves behind, and cooks him food when he gets hungry. He doesn't show me any affection. We're being forced to deal with eachother, when in essence, we can't stand one another.. but the reason he can't stand me, is I don't like him to talk to his ex girlfriends, and go out partying, since we are supposed to be TRYING to make all this work. All he thinks about is himself, and uses the excuse "I'll change when the baby comes". I feel like his mother most of the time. He stresses me out so much, but when I try to tell him; he gets mad at me, and stresses me out even more. I can't win no matter what, so now I just don't even really talk to him, and try to ignore the fact that he's there. It disgusts me. We are nothing more than room mates. We are not friends.
Life; something everyone should experience before they die. I have never gone on a airplane, or a boat. I never got my liscence. I never finished college. These are all things normal people experience before they start a family. I never have. I never got the wild child out of me. I never been more than 2 states away from my homestate of Massachusetts. I feel like I'm being robbed of my childhood; not because I'm still young; but because I never got my wild side out of me. It still lives inside, and haunts me, because I want to still be young. I'm 21 (and I just turned it on December 17, 2012). All my life (since I was 15) I couldn't wait to turn 21, so I could go out and party, and get drunk (legally). A week after I turned 21, I found out I was pregnant... talk about being let down. I went to the bars and clubs for all of one week, before I was forced to live the way I do. That is what bothers me the most; now if I go out, and have fun, all I'm going to hear is "shouldn't you be home with the baby?" or "Mother's shouldn't go out as often, because they have to be a role model to their children". This sucks. The best part about turning 21 is the partying; but I get to miss out! It really bothers me. This is where I bet some people think I'm selfish; but you know what? I don't care; because though I try to be happy about the fact I'm having a child, I can't change the way I really feel inside. I feel like I am being robbed; or punnished. I feel like I had so much to look foreward to; but now all I can look foreward to is working 3 jobs, at minimum wage, to try and support my child. Some life that sounds like. People think that I have a whole life time to do things like party, and get fuked up, but in reality, if I want to be looked at as a good mother, I can't being doing all that. People are so judgemental, and when they see a mom going out, and having the time of her life.. then she must not be doing a good job as a mother.
I know I might be coming off as a heartless bitch; but I do love the baby inside of me; dispite the demons I'm facing now. Of course, I will love my child unconditionally.. but my point is, I wish I was doing this at a later point in my life. I wanted to experience everything life has to offer before I settled down. I wanted to be in love, and married, before I had a family. I wanted to do things the old fashioned way I guess you could say. I'm sure once my beautiful baby arrives, I will be happier than I ever been, but the time I have to spend pregnant just feels toucherous to me....
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